The Intercollegiate Literary Magazine

Russell Wilson Breaks Silence About Cheating Allegations

After Thursday night’s overtime win against the Indianapolis Colts, the Colts organization has filed an official complaint with commissioner Roger Goodell accusing the Denver Broncos of cheating and misconduct. The report alleges that Russell Wilson was using anal beads to gain a competitive advantage in their game on Thursday.

The Denver Broncos initially denied the allegations on behalf of Wilson, but in an emergency press conference, Mr. Unlimited shocked the nation by admitting that he did, in fact, use anal beads during official play. However, Wilson maintains that it was not to gain any competitive advantage:

“As a role model and a god-fearing Christian, I must remain open and honest with the NFL organization and its fans. I did use the beads. I did. On a good day, I could probably get four or five in there. On a bad day, probably like two. One game I was really relaxed and got about 6 in there. And I know what you might be thinking, but I’m here to clear my name once and for all. I did not use the beads to cheat, in fact, I would never do anything to damage the integrity of the game. I just really like the way they make me feel. Sometimes coach will give me the occasional little buzz from the sideline, sometimes Nathaniel [Hackett] will have the thing going all game. I like the fact that I’m not in control. It makes me feel really, really good, and if that’s wrong, well then I don’t want to be right. And you can laugh all you want—the difference between a joke and seven beads is that I can take a joke. Broncos Country, let’s ride!”

The NFL has yet to put out an official response.